What do you do when you feel isolated? How do you deal with being alone? I'm serious, I'm asking you to answer with what you do. I just watched a swan swim and ate a package of cookies, and it didn't really help.
Being here has been an exercise in being totally on my own. I knew literally two people in this entire country (possibly continent) when I got here, neither of them at all close to where I'm living, and not people I've seen lately at all (one of them I've met all of once, 3 or 4 years ago). I moved in and am the only one from my class on campus. Almost everyone else from my program lives with--at least near--others from the program, all out in the cities where they can go out with each other and the second year students. I had someone ask me today what I do at night since I'm the only one all alone, it caught me off guard, I guess I didn't realize I was missing out on so much. In my hall we're all but one international, and everyone pretty much sticks to themselves, not like the halls at UMD where everyone hung out with their doors open and visited each other. International rates and time zones make it next to impossible to call up a friend without setting it up on skype days in advance.
In a lecture today a teacher was showing city grids, talking about city centers vs intersections vs spread out areas... She showed a picture of DC and I almost cried, I really got (not visibly, but palpably) choked up. The American professor who I had talked to before I got over here is going to think I'm in love with her, because every time I see her I run to her and hug her. Now, she is very nice and seems to happily accept this as maybe just a little personality quirk (after all I'm a theatre person), but it is just so nice to hear an American and talk to someone with whom I have even one (just one) mutual friend.
Side note, you know what is horrible? Being an American in a room of people watching "Twilight: Los Angeles, 1992." Talk about awkward and embarrassing and sad.
I don't want to give the impression that I'm miserable. There are people in the program who are very nice and who I like a lot. We get a fair amount of socialization outside of our classes. Last night we all saw a show and everyone was going out in Leamington Spa for drinks after, and a group stayed behind for a bit to have a drink with me on campus before rejoining the rest of the group, and that was so touching. But I feel really cut off. I want to go have coffee with my girlfriends, I want to sit on the back porch and shoot a bb gun and talk for hours, I want a hug, I want to cuddle with my cat, I want to take care of my plants, I want to walk holding hands, I want to take the DC metro and go see a show and run into 4 people in the audience who I love and didn't even know would be coming that night, I want to sit down with the people in my life who make the world make sense to me, but all that is literally an ocean away. And you know what, that sucks.
There are things I feel are wrong about me being here. I want to be home for my family. I have a friend who I keep reaching out to whom I've not heard back from at all since I left, and that has left a big gap in my life. Another important relationship of mine has been doing badly under the constraints of distance and I think just ended permanently. I miss DC like crazy. And at the same time I know I'm supposed to be here, I have to be here.
So, what's a girl to do? You tell me. I will meditate, I will eat a carton of ice cream, I will strike up a conversation with random strangers, I will exercise, I'm trying everything but I'd love more input.
The bright light at the end of the tunnel is I have ballroom for the next two nights. Ballroom fixes every problem-- it is fun, is sure to distract me while boosting my confidence, and is a perfectly good excuse to hug people.
In the shout out department, before I lose the opportunity, 143. Yeah, that's secret code. Cheeky, huh?
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Dearest Jo,
ReplyDeleteI shall henceforth attempt to give you 3 suggestions, without; I’m afraid, any real hope that they will do much to eliminate your feelings of isolation. I apologize in advance that I can’t make this any easier. I wish I could. But I shall give it a shot:
1. Be you: don’t forget, you are one shockingly daring, and endearingly outgoing chick. Be bold. Invite yourself along. They will thank you for it. I promise.
2. Be rememberin’ (that didn’t work but I was going for parallelism). This is not the first journey like this you have been on. If I remember correctly, you were at times feeling lonely and isolated when first we met. And yet, now you have such fond memories of those days. You were a scared freshman once before, when you were at Uni, and you survived. In fact, you flourished. I know for a fact, that you will flourish once again. That you will glow even more brightly. Which leads me to suggestion number three:
3. Be Patient. I know. This is the NUMBER ONE most annoying thing someone in my position can tell someone in your position. But I am annoying, so I’m going for the gusto. In Yiddish we say “game ze yavor” which translates to Muppet as “it’s only for now”. You will feel less lonely, and sooner than you think. You are making friends and taking names. It will sneak up on you. One day you look back and think, wow, I’m really happy here. You won’t know when it happened, or how. You’ll make plans, you’ll go out, you’ll drink, and you’ll be less alone. You will skype your old friends from time to time when you need them. You’ll suffer through Maryland cookies and other such visages of home. Perhaps you will drag your friends to the cinema to see an awful movie, just to remind yourself that Michel Bay is horrible no matter where you watch him. You will facebook stalk and gchat with new friends and old, and some day, very soon, you will realize that you are kicking England’s ass, and that you are not as alone as you once felt. Of this, I have no doubt.
So go out, and be audaciously you. Be remembrin’ you did this once before. It was easier last time, for sure, but you are up to the challenge. And, as hard as it is, be patient, as the urologist said to my dad re: his kidney stones: this too shall pass.
Go get ‘em tiger. And go you huskies!
If it's an important relationship, distance won't end it. Hang in there. I know the feeling. This island is tiny and it's easy to feel isolated. Just take deep breaths and remember this is a step in your life not a permanent move.
ReplyDeleteJo, not to downplay you at all, but I feel like I am in a similar place as I am far from everyone here in NY. Honestly, my suggestions is movies, at least that is what works for me at times. Also, I agree with 20something ... be you.
ReplyDeleteI, like most people who know you I am sure, miss you and wish you the best. Everything will work out for the best. Once I finally get myself settled in, wherever that may be, I will make sure to take a trip and visit you across the pond and give you a very large hug.
p.s. seeing as I have nothing to do during my days right now I am always at my computer and on skype. If you have some free time and feel like a conversation give me a call, it would be great to hear and see you again!